I ran. I ran and ran and ran and ran and I didn’t realize when I could stop.
I destroyed our family. It was my fault or at least I definitely could have prevented ANY of this from happening. That was the hard truth I faced as I left my therapy session yesterday afternoon.
It’s been Hell for you Alexis. I see this now. You’re an amazing mother and strong woman. I can see that now. You were a good wife. I can see that now too. I couldn’t see this before because of the demon that attacked and possessed me when I was a toddler. From that day forward, my vision was warped and I could not see Love. I could not see the love of my parents, I was blind to the love of my wife and I was careless and cocky with the love of my children. You must have seen the train coming off the rails…you must have felt so trapped. I’m sorry I did all of it. I’m sorry I allowed another woman to come in between me and my family. I’m sorry I allowed myself to be preyed upon like that. I was blind to what I had at home. A supportive wife, a kick ass mother for my kids, and a happy stable family environment. I was self destructive, blind, arrogant, and weak. It is unforgivable for a man to so callously allow his family to become collateral damage. Yes, we became different people and yes, we ended up polar opposite on many things, but with the ever-frustrating benefit of hindsight, it’s clear that this should have lead to an interesting and dynamic environment for us to raise our children. I see that you were doing the best to manage the life that we created.
Torey Lynn…you are right to hate me. The truth is that I was too afraid to make the internal changes, within myself and my family, to fix the problems that we were having. I left your mother to handle all of the schooling for you kids when clearly that was too big of a job for one adult to handle. You and your sister picked up the slack and I know that was a part of what was affecting your grades. The day that this all went down should have been my wake up call to fix OUR FAMILY. Instead I tried to take you and run away from it. I tried to turn you against your own mother and tried to force you to send her away with the police. That was a horrific act for a father. Here you were, already scared, already traumatized, and I wanted you to stand there in front of your own mother and siblings and force you to send her away. I don’t blame you ONE BIT for what happened next. That was MY OWN FAULT and you have EVERY SINGLE RIGHT to feel everything you feel towards me. That said though Victoria…I love you with the same fierceness that I felt the day you were born. The pain and anguish that I feel every second of every day serves me as a reminder that I lost the greatest gift God ever bestowed on me. You. I will spend my life loving you and being close by. My door is always open for you and I always crave your forgiveness and your love. That won’t change Torey. If I never see you again until I die I want you to know that you will be the last thought that goes through my head before I meet my creator. But even with God’s forgiveness, I will die an empty man. I love you honey. Please forgive me one day.
Nikoletta I should not have forced you to come to the rental house that day. I should not have left you alone here to watch your siblings. That was a cowardly act. I was not strong enough to face what I had done to you. The pain in your eyes was killing me and so I left you alone with it. When I came back, I laid in YOUR lap and let YOU comfort ME. I am ashamed. I am sorry. I’m proud of you for standing by your mom and sister. So proud. You once told me that you didn’t think you were strong, but you were so wrong. You’re a smart, strong young lady with an uncompromising moral compass and a beautiful heart. I miss your heart the most. Every single day I love you Letta. Every single day I look at your picture and my eyes well up with tears, other days I weep loudly. It used to be because I missed you so bad and because it was so unjust for me to lose my daughters. But now it’s because I know EXACTLY how I’ve hurt you and I have to face the fact that I DID that shit and I cannot go back in time to undo it. The rest of my life is yours though. My doors are ALWAYS open and no matter where you go, I’ll uproot and follow. I pray to God that He will bring us back together one day and that I can be the dad that you need and deserve. You’ve gotten ripped off so far.
Okay so I have gone back and forth as to whether or not to include this because I don’t want to sound like I’m defending my actions or making excuses for the devastation and destruction that I’ve caused. I’ve decided to tell you all this though, because it’s who I’ve been this whole time, and because I hope it will explain the direction I’m taking professionally. When I was about Gabe’s age, I was sexually assaulted and molested by my uncle on my biological father’s side. This is something that I’ve been unable to face or deal with my entire life, but it resulted in a completely warped view of the world, of reality, and of love. Looking back now, so many things make sense from the drug addiction to the rejection of God Himself. So while I’m following my family, wherever they may go, I’m going to be in school becoming a drug and alcohol counselor. I may have fractured my family and lost my daughters forever, but I’m still alive and I can help other broken people not make the mistakes I’ve made.
Alexis, I want to be your friend and father to your children. I want to support you through school and make things as easy as possible on all of us as we rise from the ashes of the inferno that was our marriage. I want to stand side by side with you and make sure our kids grow into adults that don’t end up causing, or receiving the pain and hurt that WE have.
Girls, I want to be ANYTHING that you want or need me to be. I’m here for you, even if that means you need to not be around me right now. I promise you I’ll never abandon you. I love you both so much.