”So was Helgi beside the chieftains
like the bright-growing ash beside the thorn-bush
and the young stag, drenched in dew,
who surpasses all other animals
and whose horns glow against the sky itself.”
Fantasies of dying in battle, valiantly and coldly, often kept me awake at night. The fantasy was not that of a skilled and savvy soldier bravely making his last stand against all odds though. I wanted to turn around and look directly into the eyes of whatever demon chased me and tell him FUCK YOU as he tore me apart and devoured me.
When talking with people about childhood trauma, in particular sexual abuse, I’m often asked why. Why is it important to talk about these things? Why is it important to face these things? Why is it important to remember?
I think it’s important because I tried facing that demon many times. Whether it was attempts at suicide or acting in ways so self destructive that they may as well have been. And that pattern of self destructive behavior would have continued the rest of my life if I hadn’t found the RIGHT demon to fight.
A child is entitled to safety, security, and innocence. These things are required and essential in order for that child to form into a healthy, functioning adult. With out them, and especially when one or more of them is ROBBED from you, your default mode is that of constant fear. And when you are afraid, you either run, or fight.
Those of us still on the run can’t keep a job or hold a relationship. How could you, after all? Eventually, you’ll run yourself to death, leaving a long (or short) trail destruction in your wake because when you get tired of running, you’ll fight everyone and everything that you see when you turn around.
So, why is it important to face the source of your fear? Because otherwise you don’t know why you’re always so goddamn afraid.